The holiday season is a time of joy and laughter. It's the time of year to gather with friends and family and be thankful for all that you have and will have in the coming year.
Yet in the year 2017 between and among all those wonderful things I was a mess of sadness and tears as I dealt with the reality that I would never be able to have children of my own.
I vividly remember the moment the doctors slid over my test results. I sat in stunned silence surrounded by the feeling of isolation. My mind and body feeling as if they were in two separate spaces. I am 32 years old and my eggs were all but depleted. Vanished. Gone.
So many questions ran through my mind but the only thing I could produce were a river of tears that seemed to drown all senses. It wasn't until I was sitting outside back in my car with no memory of how I ended up there, that the grief , guilt and feeling of worthlessness settled into my bones as if we were old friends.
My husband and I had been married for ten amazing years filled with many adventures, travels and triumphs. It hasn't been without it's hard times but were committed to one another and excited for our future together. We decided long ago that we would wait until we were hundred percent ready to have children. We bought a home, paid off our debt and traveled to amazing location all over the world. The years flew by and suddenly at him 36 and myself 32 years old we were ready to start our family.
Yet, as soon as the dreams went up, they came crashing down around us.
Infertility is a loss. It's the loss of a dream. It's the loss of an assumed future.
I had assumed that getting pregnant was in my plans for the future. I believed that it would happen naturally. I believed it was up to me.
But that's not how it works for everyone, and it's not how it's happening to me.
Explaning how infertility feels is an impossible feat. It's an all encompassing feeling that isn't easy to understand unless you've been there. I can't properly put into words the wracking feeling of loneliness, anger, guilt, sadness and sometimes worthlessness. I can't explain the nights when I felt abandoned by God. The feeling of being so naive to think that I had a choice.
One of the worst feeling associated with Infertility is the feeling of loss. Loosing out on ever getting to know a child that doesn't exist. Never seeing the color of their eyes, their hair or who's attributes they would likely inherit. Never getting to see who they would become.
All of these things that we've dreamed about I know have to slowly grieve and come to terms with so that I can heal as we move towards continuing our dreams of becoming parents.
If you're suffering from infertility, I see you. I love you. You're not alone.
